Achyuta Ambal

Sophomore Elizabeth Franklin stands outside of a door that is blocked off with caution tape due to nesting geese. Franklin planned on taking photos outside, but the number of students attacked by the geese has led to the outdoors being off-limits. “The geese have completely blocked us off from the outside world, and it’s interfering with our work as journalists. It’s unacceptable, and there needs to be a change,” Franklin said.

Disclaimer: To cover this story, I was forced to bow down to King Goose and plead for quotes from his representatives.

Who made geese so overpowered? Multiple rows of sharp teeth coupled with six to 14 pounds of pure aggression and huge wings sounds more like a demon out of a bad horror movie than something that should exist in real life, and their territorial instinct which urges them to attack humans certainly doesn’t help either. 

The juniors live in constant fear of geese during their everyday commute from the car to the breezeway door. Rooftop Rita, the goose that terrorizes juniors walking in from the pit parking lot, enjoys displaying her impressive wings to anyone zoning out in a history class and hoarding h er precious oranges that reside on the rooftop as safe as her eggs.

“It isn’t my fault that those chaotic children decide to enter their prison at the door under my nest. They need to run away before I do more than just threaten them,” Rita said.

The Peace Garden is also annoyingly reserved for the geese every year. As a wealthy goose who possesses property in both the courtyard outside the lunchroom and the Peace Garden, Fancy Nancy is well versed in inhibiting students from hanging out with their friends in the great outdoors. It is because of Nancy that the juniors received an ominous email from grade-level principal Brionne Smith about avoiding geese.

“I consider it a hobby of mine to scare the administration into posting warning signs for me. The children never know where I’m nesting in a given year. It feels good to keep them on their toes,” Nancy said.

The geese also stop students from evacuating out of a very vital door located in the science breezeway during a fire drill. Who has the time to walk the extra 30 feet to the cafeteria door during a crisis? We should have the right to own our school and at the very least have full use of the doors.

“My eggs, my territory. I should have the right to sic my husband Berserker Bill on those pesky children if they walk out of any door near me,” Rita said. 

Rita had to be escorted out of the interview because she became hysterical after that question.

As terrified bystanders, students were only able to watch as two peers were dive-bombed by Bill. The students who were attacked were shaken and understandably refused an interview.

“I have scared a good amount of children over the years, and it isn’t going to stop now. Even after I die, my kids will take up the inheritance and continue to terrify the Parkway West population,” Bill said.