A sudden surge in senior class absences

Disclaimer: The work of the Broken Compass is entirely satirical


Serena Liu

Senior Madeline Cohen and junior Audrey Ghosh sit at their desks in French class. Of the 12 students in the class, only four could attend, with many students reportedly attending appointments or suffering from a mysterious ailment. However, Cohen suggested an alternative theory to explain the absences. “Senior skip day is a fun tradition that’s been going on for years; I also think that it’s hard for some students to skip because of their schedules or because of when the skip day is, including today. To my classmates who were actually sick, I would tell them they were lucky they were gone, and hopefully, they didn’t miss too much school work,” Cohen said.

This November, a hush falls over campus. Just days ago, classes were teeming with students dressed in Halloween costumes and exuding school spirit. Now, the same classes are silent and empty.

Students and staff are working diligently to find an explanation for this sudden surge in absences. For one, it appears that doctors and dentists all around St. Louis have collectively decided to schedule their appointments on Nov. 1. 

While the concurrent timing of these appointments seems more coincidental than medically motivated, government health experts recommend that teenagers ages 15-17 should see their doctor for a checkup at least once a year. The senior class, in particular, has taken impressive accountability for their health, with 218 seniors checking in with health professionals yesterday.

In addition, much of the school has come down with a sudden cold. Peculiarly, a similar affliction plagued the senior class in 2019, even falling on the same date. Although the symptoms of this cold are rather vague and extremely unclear, some report feeling hunger, fatigue and thirst. And, similar to in previous years, the ailment only seemed to affect senior class members. In light of these bizarre data trends, doctors are scrambling to find an explanation for why only this mysterious disease has only impacted seniors and pinpoint where these terrible symptoms stem from. 

Some students, like senior Beti Ivanova, were unaware of the disease but instead suggested that her classmates were attending a skipping tournament that required them to miss school.

“I have work I have to do, so I can’t afford to skip the day. I already took two days off,” Ivanova said. 

However, when she was informed of the plague, she immediately sympathized with her suffering classmates.

“I feel really bad for [my classmates]. Hopefully, they feel better soon,” Ivanova said.

Perhaps with college applications and other stressors weighing down their immune systems, seniors have become more susceptible to the disease. Or, in their old age, seniors do not have the youthful resilience of their classmates in lower grades. Whatever the explanation, we can only wish them a quick recovery and hope our seniors can return soon.