BREAKING: Parkway announces decision to abolish the honors track after this school year

Disclaimer: The work of the Broken Compass is entirely satirical.

Junior Ima Dropout tries to escape as senior Betsy Class tries to put her into a locker. Since joining the school last year, Dropout has faced adversity with honors students bullying. “When I first came here I was hoping it would be a little different from [Parkway] South. Turns out I was so unbelievably wrong,” Dropout said. “Everyone at this school is way bigger, stronger and smarter than back at my old school, and it honestly scares me.”

Tori Neeser

Junior Ima Dropout tries to escape as senior Betsy Class tries to put her into a locker. Since joining the school last year, Dropout has faced adversity with honors students bullying. “When I first came here I was hoping it would be a little different from [Parkway] South. Turns out I was so unbelievably wrong,” Dropout said. “Everyone at this school is way bigger, stronger and smarter than back at my old school, and it honestly scares me.”

“What honors classes are you in?” We’ve all heard this question before, and to most of us, it still hurts a little, even to read it. Well this question has been asked for the last time as Parkway Administrators have confirmed; honors and AP classes will be abolished following this school year. 

“I don’t understand why they did this,” sophomore Ben Smart said. “Without honors, how will we know who the superior students are?”

The decision came as administrators searched for a solution to low self-esteem in students. In the past five years, self-consciousness in non-honors students has increased by more than 200%.

“I first noticed the issue when honors students were belittling a fellow peer for not taking any honors classes,” District Administrator Prince E. Pal said. “I saw them throw him into the lockers and dump his school supplies into the trash. Honestly it really made me sick because I was that student back in high school and I really wished I could’ve helped.”

The meeting was used to brainstorm ways to improve schools in the district. Along with the abolishment of the honors track, physical education classes are now being split into groups of athletes and non-athletes.

“I think it’s really going to be good for the school,” junior Les Good said. “Separating students by their test scores has always been demeaning, and I’ve never liked the idea of having an honors track. Whenever it came to be time to enroll in classes and I didn’t have a single honors class I always felt bad. Sometimes I feel dumb just because of the classes that I’m in.”

Although some students, like Good, find the change to be an improvement made by the school, others do not see its benefit. 

“Before, while we still had the honors classes, I clearly knew who I was better than,” Smart said. “Now, I have to make assumptions and share my classes with the idiots who have always been below me. I understand the whole greater good for the school idea, but I can’t believe they would take away my chance to get into a real good school. My dad already said if I don’t become a doctor then I’m dead to him, how could I possibly do that without honors?”

Now that the district has gotten rid of honors classes, they have to find a way to make the learning environment stable for all students.

“I’m just hoping I don’t have to be with the mean students that are always saying they’re better than me,” Good said. “Hopefully this change can fix their egos, and they might finally see me as an equal.”

The social hierarchy in Parkway schools are more established than ever. Administration hopes that the new change will bring new standards of respect in their schools.

“We really just want to make a change,” Pal said. “I’m sick of seeing kids getting bullied for their schedules, and we couldn’t think of a better way to fix it than to just make everyone equal. As we always say in Parkway, if there’s an issue, avoid it at all costs until somebody’s mother forces us to make some change.”