Everything you need to be the boss of your New Year’s resolution in just seven steps

Satirical story for the Broken Compass

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Emma Caplinger

Whatever your resolution happens to be, the Pathfinder has you covered.

Are you struggling to keep your New Year’s resolution? Never fear, try again next year. These hot tips will leave you with no choice but to give up on your goals. 

  1. Don’t commit to measurable results. Choosing a specific goal will only limit your options, so it’s much better to be vague about it. With a wide variety of options, you also have a wide variety of methods by which to mess up. Instead of deciding to wake up by 8 a.m. on the weekends, just strive to “get up earlier.” This could now include getting out of bed at 11:59 a.m. instead of noon.
  2. Start off with a BIG bang. Making subtle moves never helped anybody. If you’ve resolved to run a triathlon, your first workout of 2020 must involve running at least 20 miles. If you follow it up with a 40-mile bike ride, you’re well on your way. But if you happen to start off small, you’ll never get to your goal, and you might as well stop now.
  3. Keep it to yourself. Alerting friends and family to your personal ambitions puts you at dire risk for actually having to achieve your goal. Also, under no circumstances should you ever attempt to find someone who might share the same goal as you. You might end up actually becoming–*gasp*–motivated.
  4. Ignore the past. If you happen to mess up, do not acknowledge it. There is nothing to be learned from your mistakes. Didn’t manage to decrease your screen time? Don’t dwell on why. Don’t make any changes either. Don’t delete TikTok from your phone, and if you happen to find yourself on it again, do a quick sigh and keep scrolling.
  5. Expect it to be quick and easy. Convince yourself that new habits should form instantly. Changing the behaviors you’ve developed over many years shouldn’t take more than two to three days at the most. If they do, you might as well start flying the white flag.
  6. Pick a goal you don’t care about. If you happen to have any emotional attachment to your goal, you might actually find yourself wanting to achieve it. As long as you don’t care, it’s easier to find reasonable excuses for why you can’t make your goal happen just for today.
  7. If you didn’t start on New Year’s Day, there’s no point. It’s right in the name. It’s a New Year’s resolution. If you miss it on New Year’s Day, take the hint. There’s absolutely no reason you should ever start on your resolution on Jan. 2 or even any day of the year for that matter. You only get one shot. If you miss it, you’ll just have to try again in 2021.

New Year’s resolutions are just too much work. You’ll have to battle nosy onlookers, social media’s “inspirational” quotes and feel-good news stories. Armed with these seven steps, however, the Pathfinder gives you the best survival rate. Good luck.