To the flies in the cafeteria: buzz off

Disclaimer: The work of the Broken Compass is entirely satirical

The+fly+problem+in+the+cafeteria+has+become+out+of+control%2C+and+the+Pathfinder+is+taking+matters+into+our+own+hands.

Addie Gleason

The fly problem in the cafeteria has become out of control, and the Pathfinder is taking matters into our own hands.

Over the course of the new school year, a threat has been looming in the cafeteria of our beloved school. A faint, evil buzzing lurks underneath the lighthearted conversations of students. Screams of shock and horror ring through the halls. The culprit? Flies. Yes, you read that correctly. Flies have been plaguing the cafeteria for over a month now, and students are tired of it.

After witnessing a ripple of panic travel across waves of students, the Pathfinder made it a personal mission to reach out to the flies and get to the bottom of this. In an effort to maintain some form of diplomacy, we crafted a letter expressing our concerns and hand delivered it to the flies. We know you must be itching to know the contents of this letter, so read on to find out. 

To the leader of the flies in the cafeteria,

Greetings from the Pathfinder staff. We are reaching out to you regarding an issue in the school cafeteria. Recently, we have found that there is an excessive amount of flies buzzing around. They land in our hair, on our food and crawl into our backpacks while our heads are turned.

At first, we didn’t mind them there. After all, there were only a few flies and the buzzing added a nice ambiance to the otherwise loud cafeteria. However, now that the issue has progressed, there is simply no way we students can sit by and tolerate this any longer.

Your flies are a blatant threat to the safety and well-being of our student population. Let it be clear, we will not go down without a fight. Do not take this lightheartedly. We have let this horrendous issue fly under the radar for far too long, but we students are done being nice. When it comes to the safety of our friends and peers, we do not mess around.

We request that you and your flies evacuate the cafeteria as soon as possible. If you need recommendations for a new place to stay, we have seen some great listings online for fairly cheap, high quality housing units for flies. We wish you the best of luck on your relocation.

Sincerely,

The Pathfinder staff

The flies did not take this letter lightheartedly. In fact, it seems that swarms of flies have been traveling to the cafeteria from all across the country to fight students. During this great battle of the flies, the leader visited our staff and expressed their unwanted opinion.

“Buzz buzz buzz. Buzz, buzz buzz buzz buzz,” the leader of the flies said.

Although we are all curious to find out what they said, we haven’t been able to find a fly translator on such short notice. When we reached out to the leader for further information, they refused to comment.

With this being said, be careful and remain vigilant at all times. The cafeteria is a dangerous world, and unexpected infestations can occur at any moment. Anti-fly hats will be available for purchase soon in the school store. Good luck.