My fellow Americans,

It is with a heavy heart I announce that our freedom is under attack. Vicious perpetrators of evil are attempting to divide us and disrupt the values we hold so dear: the unalienable rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The haters and losers on the other side seek to spread FAKE NEWS in their blatant witch hunt, which is why I am so graciously donating my time to set the record straight.

Simply put, stuffing is a divine creation that we mortals were fortunate enough to stumble upon. Anybody who tells you otherwise is a menace to society and should be locked up indefinitely. Few foods rival properly-crafted stuffing in terms of striking a perfect balance between a savory taste and the overbearing presence of salts and herbs, in addition to possessing a subtle crunch that gives the bread impeccable texture.

I know for a fact that I am correct on this somehow divisive issue. After all, every iota of data you will find is on my side as well. According to a 2018 study conducted by a stable and genius sports editor, test subjects whose taste buds respond positively to stuffing are also approximately 10,000 percent more likely to win debate tournaments, score modeling gigs for woke Pathfinder columns and earn acceptance into elite Ivy League universities, which, as long-time readers will recall, is quite literally the only thing that matters in life. (Also reported was a sharp rise in egotism, but further research is necessary to confirm that finding.)

This Thanksgiving, you should be thankful for hard-hitting journalists, like myself, who actually have the courage to “call it like it is.” In this beautifully-written editorial, we have scientifically proven that no dish can complete a meal quite like stuffing, and only a charlatan such as Mr. Cupps would be foolish enough to claim otherwise. If you do make the ill-fated choice to steer clear of the stuffing at your upcoming Thanksgiving feast, that’s fine by me. It just means more for the rest of us to enjoy.

The Pathfinder gives “Stuffing: An American Classic” ∞/10.