My turkey-loving people and comrades,

It is high time that we–those who declare other foods than stuffing as Thanksgiving supreme–should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish our views, our aims, our tendencies and meet this nursery tale of the stuffing-praising OpEd with a Manifesto of our party itself. We have faced oppression for far too long! It is time for a change: time to usurp this over-glorified pile of vegetables as the reigning Thanksgiving dish!

Before my opponent attempts to lock me away in Guantanamo Bay, I wish to pose you a single question: are you a duck? If you, like me, stand firm as non-Genetically Modified Human Being, then join me in exposing the Despicable Pile for what is: nothing but cooked bread and vegetables suited for the ducks. Too many times we have been served this vile atrocity along with many delicacies in an attempt to pass it off as one such, but we are left year in and year out with the same dry, flavorless disappointment.

What about casserole? What about fruit salad? What about mashed potatoes? What about cranberry sauce? What about gravy? What about turkey? What about pie? All of these incredible dishes outperform the barely-passable excuse-of-a-side called stuffing by lengths, and everyone knows it.

Sometimes, history needs a push, and if I believe in one thing only, it’s the power of human will and how incredibly delicious turkey is. Okay, that’s two things, but you get my point. Defy the oppression of stuffing lovers this Thanksgiving; despise the enemy strategically, but take them seriously tactically. When your aunt asks if you’re going to eat stuffing or, God-forbid, tries to force some onto your plate, stand firm! Slap it from her hand and onto the floor for the family dogs to clean up. When your grandmother comments on how thin you are, only shove more turkey onto your plate! For the love of country and self, defy stuffing lovers this Thursday.

The Pathfinder gives “Filthy Mix of Bread and Vegetables” -∞/10.