Meet the 2016 Presidential Candidates



donny boy
Gage Skidmore

Donald J. Trump, the Man, the Myth, the Legend…

Hailing from the Queens borough of New York City, our main man, donald j. trump, is the leading Republican candidate for the 2015 Republican Nomination. For the past ten years, Trump has starred in the NBC reality show The Apprentice and later its spinoff, The Celebrity Apprentice. But why on Earth would Trump be a celebrity? Well first, you’re a moron if you’re asking that. Secondly, Trump is the sole owner of The Trump Organization which is one of the most controversial real estate developers in New York City and is a multibillion dollar limited liability conglomerate. So why not? Let’s have a celebrity with, according to his own math, a “TEN BILLION DOLLAR” net worth and controversial contractor run our country.

That might prove difficult for him though. Recently, Trump has gone off the deep end. He has claimed that he would prevent any Muslims from immigrating into the U.S. if he became President. This offended many media outlets, especially the Huffington Post, who out of spite and concern for the nation’s safety, took Trump’s campaign out of the entertainment section. And it’s not only them. The entire UK has a petition to ban him from entering their country, and in 2 weeks has received over 500,000 signatures. Good luck, Trump.

benny boy
Gage Skidmore

Ben Carson, Former Neurosurgeon

If you’ve lied about receiving a full ride to West Point, tried to cover up your child abuse, and have almost stabbed one of your friends, your name must be Ben Carson. Though far-fetched, Carson’s claims about his upbringing are mostly true. He did grow up in Detroit, Michigan, in poverty and did overcome by ‘reading and believing in himself.’ And he won’t let the press forget it. After receiving his medical degree from the University of Michigan, Carson went on to a medical career in which he famously separated conjoined twins.

Why? one might ask, is a neurosurgeon running for President? In that case, we’re on the same page. The only instance that legitimizes Carson as a politician in the run for the nomination is because he openly criticized President Obama at the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast after he retired from being a neurosurgeon which won him support from a large number of Republicans. That is the ONLY thing. I think most high schoolers have the same, if not more, political weight than Carson.

Gage Skidmore
Gage Skidmore

Ted Cruz, Texas Senator

“Let’s see if sand can glow in the dark.” Don’t mess with Texas. Or do, I don’t care. The irony behind that statement is that Senator Ted Cruz had split citizenship between Canada and the U.S. until he recently renounced it to make it clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was American because who would want, *gasp*, a Canadian running our government?!.  Relatively new to the political scene, Cruz is in his freshman term, credited with the 2013 Government shutdown after a poorly-timed prank-gone-awry.

In actuality, Cruz gave a filibuster speech that lasted 21 hours to convince the other senators to shut the government down (and run down hundreds of other pointless tangents that weren’t at all pertinent) for “the damage Obamacare caused.” His words, not mine. Other than that, Cruz is just like every other Republican: immigration restrictions, tax reform, pro-life; all of which he has expressed openly.

ur dum
Gage Skidmore

Marco Rubio, Florida Senator

A man hardly new to politics, Marco Rubio has been in the business of lucrative backdoor deals and cleverly dancing around questions since 1998 when he served on the West Miami City Commission. He then slowly moved up through the ranks of politics until winning a seat in the U.S. Senate in 2009. He quickly then became very popular amongst the Republican Party and was almost chosen as a running mate for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election. Instead of that, Rubio continued on fighting the Republican fight; pro-life legislation, greater economic opportunity, and new immigration acts. As a whole, there is nothing special about Rubio at all. He is a political deadbeat.

discount george
Gage Skidmore

Jeb Bush, Former Florida Governor

Everybody remembers our homegrown, presidency-hungry Bush family. Son of the 41st President, George Bush, and brother of the 43rd President, George W. Bush, Jeb Bush has a family reputation to uphold – much less his government reputation to uphold. Bush – the one this section is supposed to be about – served 8 years as the Florida Governor (1999-2007) and made advancements for education and immigration in his state. All in all, Bush has kept himself busy pushing those two primary issues in Florida and is hoping to keep pushing them in family business.

carly girl
Gage Skidmore

Carly Fiorina, Former Hewlett-Packard CEO

Not gonna lie, it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to say her last name. Phonetics: (feë-øh-rëê-nüh).  Similar to Donald J. Trump (See Above), her past is defined by her success (or lack thereof) as a businesswoman. She has risen through the ranks of not one, not two, but three major corporations: AT&T, Lucent Executive and Hewlett-Packard (HP). This is what she did for almost 30 years, and she was immensely successful with it; she turned these companies into what they’re known for today.

Now the only question is how did a businesswoman get started in politics? It’s relatively simple. After quitting HP, she started working under Michael Hayden, the CIA director, and Fiorina was then quickly appointed to head of the CIA’s External Advisory Board. But aside from that, all she’s ever done is business, so presumably, she’ll be running America in like manner. According to Fiorina at 5th GOP debate, “all of our wounds can be healed by a tested leader who is willing to fight for the character of our nation.”

You're stupid
Gage Skidmore

Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor

Chris Christie is probably the most boring governor on the face of the planet. Actually. He is a stereotypical Republican governor from New Jersey that has fought for and won many legislative acts and bills to reduce government role in many different key issues and aspects of the American economy. The only mildly interesting thing that happened around him was a not-so-accidental traffic stop at a bridge in New Jersey which he ended up firing the deputy chief of staff who caused it and issuing an apology the same day to his opposing politician it was directed at. Seriously, I almost fell asleep researching this man.

jonny boy
Michael Vadon

John Kasich, Governor of Ohio

John Richard Kasich is a good, old-fashioned American; growing up in the industrial town of Nowhere – I mean, McKees Rock, Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh, going to college to major in political science and then going on to be a businessman, Kasich is truly the embodiment of the American Dream. After being the manager at the controversial law firm of Lehman Brothers‘ in Columbus, Ohio, he left it behind for politics; a step down from controversial law practice. He became the Senator of Ohio and later, the Governor of Ohio, proposing then signing many controversial bills and laws into action in each position and always seeming to lose majority public opinion. However, that didn’t not impede his decision to run for the Republican Nomination nor the support from the Republican Party.



Hillary for Iowa

Hillary Clinton, Former Secretary of State

Round 2. Hillary Clinton is someone who has been in the spotlight ever since the Monica Lewinski scandal in the Clinton administration involving her husband. She tried for the Democratic nomination in 2008 but conceded and was then appointed Secretary of State under the Obama administration. She was given numerous controversial, international affairs to deal with and has been subject to much criticism from Republican governors and media outlets. The biggest of said controversial issues being the investigation of the State Department under Clinton’s leadership after U.S. soldiers were killed in Benghazi, Libya, and the investigation concluded with the issue in Libya dubbed as “caused by systematic failures of leadership.” Due to that, Clinton has been attempting to please everyone in her party, meaning she has been very wishy-washy (a highly sophisticated political term) on where she stands on most policies that people are concerned with entering this election, such as same-sex marriage, the Keystone pipeline, gun-control, and immigration.

feelin it
Gage Skidmore

Bernie Sanders, Vermont senator

Talk about yanking the wheel to the left and bringing America with him. Bernie is a first-generation American who grew up in Vermont. He was a senator in their largest city (Burlington) for the past four terms. Self-identified as a “democratic socialist and grandpa,” Bernie Sanders is a former independent presidential runner but switched to the Democratic party because it was easier to get onto the ballets in each state than running as an independent. Where he stands is just about as Democratic as this country accepts; pro-choice, more government programs, equalized wealth through taxes, but the most interesting thing about Sanders is that he is one of few candidates who isn’t afraid to go into detail on what he would do if he made it to office. He plans on raising taxes on the wealthy, expanding Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and making public college free. However, changing taking a nation that has been capitalist for almost 240 years to the brink of socialism might prove difficult for Sanders.

he's in a band
Gage Skidmore

Martin O’Malley, Governor of Maryland

Martin O’Malley is the third place Democratic runner for the Democratic presidential nomination. Incidentally, that’s also last place for the nomination. However, of the three Democratic runners, O’Malley is probably the most interesting. Just like everyone other candidate of both parties, he has served in some sort of political position before the run for the presidential nominationsin his case, governor of Maryland and mayor of Baltimorebut O’Malley is also the frontman of a Celtic Rock band. Yes, a Celtic Rock band. It’s called O’Malley’s March and they have released 3 albums in total; Celtic Fury (1997), Wait for Me (2000) and The Boys March at Dawn (2002). Am I the only one who thinks this is excellent? I personally recommend the song “Streets of Baltimore” or “Valley of Knocknaure” off of Celtic Fury; O’Malley is a surprisingly good singer and guitarist. Though his Celtic Rock band is obviously his biggest accomplishment, he has made numerous accomplishments in the realm of politics. As Governor of Maryland, he made many Democratic reforms such as lowering the state debt, pushing for higher federal enforcement against illegal immigrants, advocating for same-sex marriage in Maryland and facilitating greater environmental protection.

You read to the end; good job trying to keep up your end of civic responsibility!