No geese were touched or harmed during the making of this article. Only pictures were taken.

Observe the wild Canadian goose in it’s natural habitat, the school grounds. Watch as the goose chases an innocent student across the front lawn; scientifically donned with the title of “plumeis odium” (or feathery hatred) by West’s own Goosebusters team, these creatures have nested here peacefully for 10 to 15 years. Welcome to the world of West’s winged fiends.

Angry Arnold

Out of all the geese that nest on West’s property, Arnold is the most spiteful, the most hateful, the most aggressive goose you could ever run into. He’s an avian to be avoided, chasing after even the most passive of students that dare to tread his sidewalks in front of the school. If you’ve ever been chased by a goose at West, congrats! You’ve probably had the honor of meeting Arnold. There’s a reason for his anger, however; his winged wife Cathy nests underneath the shelter of a corner window. When not patrolling the area underneath the West sign, Arnold spends his time hunting for food in the grass and making angry honking noises to no one in particular.

Corner Cathy

Arnold’s wife, Cathy, spends her days sitting on an unknown number of eggs over by the building that houses West’s acting and shop classes. Her nest is sheltered enough that she will often stand to wander around in the grass with Arnold. Compared to her husband, Cathy is relatively docile and will leave the fighting to Arnold, unless you decide to look down at her from the window. Cathy has been observed to fly up at the window as if to attack students watching her from inside. A quick pace when walking past Cathy’s window is advised.

Fancy Nancy

Nancy’s life is her nest. She does not leave it, does not dare to step away from any of her six eggs for even a moment. Previously nesting in the school’s courtyard, Nancy is the goose you can blame for not being allowed to sit outside during lunch. Nancy’s favorite pastime is pecking at the edges of her nest, adding any extra feathers or twigs around her eggs. Although she may not stray from her nest, Nancy is still on high alert at all times, such as when she honked at a plastic bag that had been blown her way in the wind for five straight minutes. It is unknown if Nancy is on her own, as a male goose hanging around near her has been rumored but never captured on film.

Nancy’s Children

After several weeks, those six eggs finally hatched into six tiny goslings on the day of April 24. Seems like Nancy’s picking favorites, as three of her kids were kept warm under her wings while another four typically found themselves crammed up against her body in the wind. Just like human children, these goslings can’t seem to sit still and are constantly wiggling around in the nest, much to Nancy’s disgust. She spent weeksworking on that nest, weeks! All destroyed in a day by a squirming mass of down feathers.

Rooftop Rita

Rita, compared to the other geese, is pretty dull. She hangs out on the concrete corner of the cafeteria, not even ever bothering to stand to check on her eggs. If someone leaves out the breezeway exit, the only reaction you’ll get from her is a twist of her head as she follows the sound of her footsteps. But even with how boring she is, Rita is terribly overrated among students. As the only goose most students see daily (she’s hard to miss from the history breezeway), Rita is misrepresented as a figure of what all of West’s geese seem like. Mother of four eggs, it seems two eggs are, sadly, not due to hatch.

Rita’s Children

Rita didn’t come close to Nancy’s record of six children; instead, Rita is now mother of two goslings. While one seems to never sit still and does its best to mess with the edge of their mother’s nest, the other gosling is completely quiet and will hide under Rita’s wings while their overexcited sibling tries to nip at the down feathers on their head.

Pacifist Paul

Paul is one of West’s only geese that doesn’t wish to kill you. Every day, when cross country track runners run through the parking lot, Paul is there, watching quietly from his grassy sidelines. He never runs from passing students, but if you do chase him, Paul will use his expertise in car navigation to dart between a minivan and a SUV before you can turn your head to follow him, never to be seen again… or at least until the track runners come out again. Paul is the goose that’s had plenty of close run-ins with student-driven vehicles, walking as slow as goosenly possible in front of your car as you try to pull out of the parking lot. In recent days, Paul has been revealed to be… Rita’s husband?! This scandalous change of events has shocked geese all over the school. He has returned to his family, now a proud father of two.

Super Fan Steve

Steve really likes softball and baseball. Like he really, really likes them. He likes them so much, in fact, that he returns almost every day to pick at the grass around the field. When he has nothing else to do, Steve can often be seen to observe the other birds (who just wish they were geese like him) or waddle over to the nearby Kara Lynn McConnell Memorial. When he sees someone nearby, Steve will try to look cool by twisting his neck in all sorts of odd directions. Much to his dismay, a flexible neck isn’t enough to get on the baseball team.

Feel like you’re part of the goose world now? It’s probably too soon for you to don a goose costume and take off with the flock, but next time you see a goose, look that bird in the eye until they accept you as one of their own… or try to kill you. While they may not be our best bird friends, if you respect the geese, the geese will respect you.